With Hope and Consolation…

I must admit that I am striving desperately to write this letter. My primary concern was convincing you to just forget the story I assured you to read before the end of the semester. I was thinking to write a story for you after my mental health affiliation in manila for our psychiatric nursing probably after the semestral break.  Actually, I was searching my peace of mind to begin if not totally finalized the composition. I am hard up with things bothering me about us. Yeah! About the two of us, about our friendship. I am pressured by outcome identification I am making just to help myself arrive with the presentation that would interests you as my reader. I never had been this conscious before. I’ve been foolish and given you some disappointments to what I did last vacation. And now… I am disturbed…

I have to consider all these factors because if I won’t then, I will surely lose in the end of this selfish struggle. The mere fact that I am thinking how the basic concepts of mine would finally come into reality, while you and I as learners are both busy with our own stuffs. I felt I had nothing to write about that would save the last composition I made for you. At this point, I am still asking strength to revive my mind and make another one. Indeed, I felt sorry, because I made you an instrument just to come up with the lines needed for a conversation in the story. I was not serious with it. And I was not good enough because it was not my intention to make you feel bad yet I was submerged to the sea of pain for hurting you unknowingly… You asked me why and that you never had the idea that I will make such stupidity to you last vacation. The consequence was… you were beaten and hurt by me.

I am bothered around with the notion of describing the differences of our lifestyles: yours as a seminarian, and mine as a student nurse, and even driven to come up with several paragraphs worth of interesting distinctions and few farewell lines perhaps. However, I had to divert my attention to other ideas for the reason that I was actually hurting myself every time I am in solitude as I ponder how distant we are and how your world differs with mine.

Oftentimes, I am tempted to escape the world I am in just to reach and enter yours. But it isn’t that easy to surrender everything and take the risks of a journey with no assurance, right? I intend to stay away from you if not to forget you after all these memories lingering on my mind. We met once, we talked oftentimes in the phone…and that’s how our friendship started and still trying to survive despite of distance and obstacles. I am playing again with my undecided feelings and perhaps over reacting with my emotion. Hahaha! Like how I, as a frustrated writer fascinated with paradoxical points and just go beyond what we should and must see.

It’s just so nice that the counterpart of this moment is the truth that I don’t have the courage to live life the way I used to, unto the time I known your existence. It’s clear to me that I had been hiding myself in the wrong and negative things at this point. I had failed to consider your part for I am selfish. The truth is, I want to stay and be with you until the time you finally give me your farewell hug and smile… Because you are now leaving all your baggage to effectively serve HIM (your LOVED ONE) and the people. And if that happens, then it’s a sign for us that we now indeed release each other to go and face the journey we chose. That you are now permitting me to be with someone else. And that I finally conquered the doubt of doing well for a span of time that we’ve been in each other’s side because of lack of strength to compete with HIM.

At times, it aches and makes me cry every time I beg Him to let me be with you for a while. But I came with my senses that His plans are still greater and better than mine. I trust Him in any way. I owed Him the day I knew and met you. It’s funny to be emotional every time I make compositions about you. Anyway, crying is my consolation…to earn the guts to release you. The more my heart bleeds, the more I feel this unexplainable emotion with willingness and joy. It is for the reason that I am learning to accept that you are living for your dream and purpose in life. What matters most now is for you to go on, strive and be the successful man you wanted to be. After all, your victory is my happiness.  I am not telling you all these things for you to feel sorry and pity for me. I am just starting to set you free and let you fly. Just don’t forget that someone is backing you up until you reach your destination.

It is hard to explain to those people what is like to be in my shoes. I have long given up on tempting to make my colleagues understand why I decided to be alone still at this moment. To be single and free despite of the fact that many are trying to get in my heart. Or explaining to my best friend why I am torturing myself with this passion (because of my loyalty to you)of waiting for nothing. Despite of hopeless admiration and risks tendencies of getting weak and growing tired in the end. I just smiled at them…for they will never understand me unless they steal my heart and listen to its beat.

To this day…even I am still surprised by the things playing on my mind, I learned a lot from this reflection. You are my daddy…my big brother…my friend…and a special someone worth keeping for…after sometime…a priest^_^